Wednesday, June 1, 2011

To My yet to be Conceived Son

To my yet to be conceived son,

Yes, I'm calling it, you're going to be a boy. If I ever do decide to knock up your mother, no doubt about it, you're going to be a boy. First of all, I take ten (ten!) minutes of meditation time a day, concentrating about Y-Chromosomes. So if your mother and I do decide to have a kid, which we probably won't because you fuckers are annoying as hell, you're going to be a boy.

If for some reason my meditation powers don't work, and you turn out to be a girl, you're going to the Jolie-Pitt family. They love their Asians. Why would I do that? Because I don't want to deal with all the shit that girls go through. Not only that, but you're probably going to end up being a girl version of me, which means you'll feel sorry for the creepy future serial killer, and do stupid shit with him like getting pregnant. Either that, or you'll be starving for attention from anyone, which means you'll end up dating a 28 year-old who lives in his parents basement and collects Army knives. And then he's going to convince you to take pictures of yourself, and you'll agree to it, and the next thing you know, your pictures are all over the internet, bringing shame to our family for generations.

Anyway, back to you, my wonderful son. I'm 80% sure that I'm going to name you JaGy-JoGo, after the only two men (with the possible exception of Clive Owen, but that's iffy) that I would leave your mother for.

Although you're not even conceived yet, your old man has been doing a lot of thinking, and he decided that his family has a history of medical problems like breast cancer, diabetes, and bipolar disorder. While your old man shows no signs of any of those diseases, you never know. It seems the trend in our family is for people--especially the men--to go batshit crazy around the age of 45. Also, there's also a high possibility that I may die. I've been known to have extremely bad luck, and getting myself hurt while performing the simplest of tasks, like doing the laundry. Just the other day, your old man went to a coworker's birthday party, and that jive-ass mofo decided to leave his three cats out in the common area to interact with the humans.

You see, son, your old man is allergic to cats, so while he was driving home, his eyes were watery and he was sneezing so hard that he was surprised that he didn't give himself a concussion. To make a long story short, I almost drove into an 18 wheeler. I could have died, but thankfully, I'm Asian so I come equipped with Ninja-like reflexes.

But even so, accidents could happen, so that means I could die any day. I could be walking to the mini-mart to get some cigarettes and get struck by lightning. I could be watching a scary movie while sucking on a lollipop, and something scary jumps out, so I inhale, forgetting about the lollipop, and choke to death. I could be helping an old woman carry her groceries back to her place, when, all of a sudden, she's not an old woman but a terrorist with a bomb!

The world is a dangerous place. That's an important life lesson to know, which neatly segues into the purpose of this letter: Life lessons from your old man who has either died, or went batshit crazy, both of which are high possibilities.

So I hope you take this advice to heart, and live your life to the fullest.

The first piece of advice I can give you is to read. Just this morning, your old man was checking his Facebook to see if his old friends still knew he existed when he came across this status update from a 25 year-old woman: "im an emoshtional reck! i was spotting after sex ( the doc said it was normal but i still freaked out) then i got a e-mail saying i was going to get the check for the apartment! i started crying at work, so they sent me home for 2day. im going crazy!" Can you spot all of the mistakes this full-grown, mother of three made? A lot. Do you know why she made all of those mistakes? Because she didn't read. Do you wanna know why she didn't read? Because she was too busy skipping school and getting pregnant instead.

Read lots of books, my son. I don't care what you read, just read. Although, you better read Harry Potter (and don't say you read them when you've only seen the movies, because that makes you a liar, and liars get their penises chopped off by women like the 25 year-old, mother of three), or else you'll die full of regrets.

When you enter middle school, you're going to see that the girls who used to look like boys with longer hair in elementary school are going to start to look more like the girls on The Disney Channel. When you do, something weird is going to happen to you. Don't be ashamed of yourself when the device that you use to eject urine starts to stand up like a meerkat that sees a predator from afar. Just carry your Trapper Keeper like a box, in front of you, and people won't notice.

When you're old enough, you're going to have sex for the first time (hopefully, with a girl. Listen, I like most gay people, but I don't think I could handle it if you were gay. Even if I'm dead), and I implore you not to act like you know what you're doing, because you don't. When you act like you know what you're doing, you do stupid things like accidentally sticking it in her brown-eye. Unless your girl is into that, you could get yourself in a messy situation.

If you do get yourself in a messy situation, it's always best to know how to do your own laundry. Explaining brown stains on your bedsheets to your mother won't be fun. 

Also, when you start having sex, always use a condom. Even when a girl says that it's okay not to use one, use one. If you are 100% certain that the girl you are boning is on some sort of birth control, then don't be ashamed to ask her how many guys she slept with. Let's say you were ashamed, and you decide to do this girl without protection, and you later find out how many guys she actually slept with, prepare yourself to get a Q-Tip shoved up your urine hole. It's going to hurt, and you're going to cry.

In high school, don't let yourself be tied to just one girl. Explore a bit. High school is going to seem like it's going to last forever, but it's not. You're going to go to college, and you're going to find out how much fun one night stands are. Remember, always use a condom. 

But if you're anything like me, you're probably going to have a best friend who happens to be a girl. You guys have known each other for years, but in the back of your mind, you're thinking that she's the best person you know. You guys might go to different schools, and whenever she tells you that she's going to go to the party, you're going to worry about her. You tell yourself that you're worried about her safety, because all guys (including you) are assholes, but really, you're worried that she's going to find someone else. Each time she calls you after the party, and she's sober, you're going to feel relieved. 

Soon after that, you're going to stop and think for a bit. This girl keeps talking about shit you normally don't care about like all of the different nail polishes there are, and you think you don't care about what she has to say, but you're going to go to pharmacy and smile to yourself when you see the nail polish that she was talking about while you're getting shaving cream. Or maybe you guys will go out to eat, and even though you know she hates it when you order her food for her, you do it anyway, just because she looks so cute when she glares at you. Minutes later, when she looks up from her food at you and smiles, you'll feel relieved that she's not really that mad at you. But don't do that all the time, because eventually, it'll annoy her.

On a random weekend, she tells you that she wants to come to your dorm or your apartment so you guys could have that weekend to hang out. You're going to offer her your bed while you sleep on the couch. She'll tell you that it's okay to share the bed, and you have to remind yourself that you can't do anything because she's your best friend. But when she snuggles up close to you, instead of wanting to get in her pants, you're going to find that you're just perfectly happy with the snuggling. The next morning, she doesn't put on her makeup and her hair is just pulled up in a bun, and you're going to think she's the most beautiful girl on the planet. 

Eventually, when she keeps talking about her nails, clothes, hair, and all that other shit that girls are into, you're going to get frustrated. Why the fuck is she treating you like your one of her chick friends? And you're probably going to snap at her, tell her that you're not some faggot, and since she's smart, she doesn't just apologize right away. To her, she doesn't know what she's doing wrong. But you guys are going to get in an argument, and that night, you can't sleep. You swallow your pride, and you pick up your phone and call her. You'll be happy you did.

Years later, if you're still close, you guys are going to admit that you want to be together. When that happens, it's going to be awesome. Yes, you're going to have more random fights, but you just gotta be patient. Because a girl like that comes along once in a lifetime.


I wonder how many people are going to think Merkin's pregnant? She's not. I thought I should clarify that.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Asshole Face Again

g_beck asked me on my last post why I call Merkin a "minge-wig" (I love that so much that I'm thinking of calling Merkin Minge-Wig from now on. Thanks for that!). Way back in the day, 2004 to be precise, I met Merkin through mutual friends. Actually, at the time, I lived in Portland and she lived in Federal Way, Washington, and her cousin lives in Portland and she just happened to be friends with a girl I was dating at the time. To make a long story short, Merkin thought I was funny, we found each other on Myspace (lame), we talked through there, moved onto phone calls, and yeah.

Back in the day, Merkin and I were mean to each other in the friendly way. We used to call each other cunt, bitch, fag, asshole, and other obscene words that I rarely use anymore. It was all in good fun. Then, I Google searched the word merkin, and I read about what it was, and I laughed and I laughed and I laughed. I shared it with Merkin, whose real name is Esther, and we just thought it was the funniest thing in the world. So every time we talked, I called her Merkin.

On a related note, one of the things I love about Merkin is that we could just mess around like that. Can you imagine if I called any other girl a cunt? Oh, what's that on the ground? Hold on, let me get my microscope. Oh! That's just T-bag's, teabags! Boom! Small Asian junk roasted!

If you care, you might be curious as to why Merkin and I, all of a sudden, got back together. My last post, while being an attempt to be funny, was also going to explain about how I compare current girlfriends to exes. Shut up! It's not shallow, because everyone else does it too. Anyway, that particular ex was my last ex before Merkin and I started dating, and yeah...there really wasn't much to compare. But the post before that, I wrote about how I was sort of starting a thing with another girl named Erika.

While Erika is an awesome, smart girl, I realized, not too long after we made out, that she didn't hold a candle to Merkin. It wasn't cool, because I seriously felt really bad. It always astonishes me whenever a girl has "romantic" feelings for me. I'm fat, not the best looking fellow, and I was playing the guitar the other day, and I realize that whenever I play guitar, my mouth hangs open and I look like a stroke victim. I'm not saying that so you guys can be like, "Oh, you're not that bad! You seem like a nice guy, blah blah blah." It's the truth. I'm a guy that gained like 70 pounds in 6 months or something like that. I've lost 40, though! YAY!

Side bar: I have lost some weight around my midsection, but how the hell do I lose my face fat? I look like my chin connects directly to my neck, and I miss having a chin. Are there face exercises so that I could get rid of my fat cheeks and fat chin fat? Please let me know if there are any. If you do, I'll give you a lap dance.

Anyway, so after I hung out with Erika a couple of weeks ago, I got home, I felt super dirty/guilty, I got a look of disappointment from Merkin which made me feel even more crappy, and I sat in my Bat-Cave and watched Jay Cutler being a little bitch on the sidelines. Then I thought to myself, "Look at that little bitch...letting his team down and shit. What a little bitch!" I went downstairs, and I saw Merkin running on the treadmill. She threw her water bottle at me, and ran back up the stairs to our room where she cried. I gave her a five minute timeout, so that she could have some time to think about stuff. After the timeout, I went in the room, and I was like, "Merkin, I just saw Jay Cutler being a little bitch and letting his team down. The thing is, baby, we're a team. And I let YOU down! But never again! I love you!"

Okay, that didn't happen.

What really happened was a lot more simple than that. I was sitting in my Bat-Cave, aka, my home office that I call the Bat-Cave so that I could feel good about myself, and I thought about stuff like how Merkin and I knew each other for almost seven years. I mean, I don't even really talk to anyone else that I've known that long. You know how it goes, people change, get into different stuff, and eventually drift apart. But Merkin and I never drifted apart even though we both changed a lot. And then, I let some asshole, that she just tried to be nice to, get in the way, and just like Jay Cutler, I turned into a little bitch (except I kicked that turd's ass!). Sprained ACL, my ass. If your team has a chance to play in the Super Bowl, then you stay in the game no matter what.

Another aside, I was rooting for the Packers. They're taking the Lombardi trophy home this year. CLAY MATHEWS IS A BEAST!

But what it all came down to was that I didn't want one little lie about how she stopped talking to some guy that I told her I didn't like all that much to completely fuck seven years of a damn good friendship, and three years of an awesome relationship, up. Yeah, I maybe I could have had something good with Erika, but I think I know myself pretty well, and I knew that I was going to be constantly comparing her to Merkin especially when I know that I still love the little Minge-Wig hard.

So Merkin and I talked, we both felt shitty about everything that happened, apologized, and we both agreed to give it another go. Honestly, I think we both made the right choice, because we're both having fun again, we're both laughing a lot more than we used to, and yeah. I'm happy. I believe that she's pretty happy. And if we didn't get back together, then we couldn't recreate this:

Seriously, how do you lose face fat?!

That was a recreation of this shot from almost 2 years ago:

Again, how do you lose face fat?!

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Asshole Face

When I first started my old blog, I started it for two reasons:

Reason #1: I bought an engagement ring for Merkin, and I was super nervous, and my goal was to write about my nervousness.

Reason #2: I was bored.

It turned out that shortly after starting my blog, after spending hours that turned into days that turned into two weeks planning on how to propose to Merkin, that I just proposed to her in our bedroom. No lasers were involved which makes me sad, but hey, I might get a second chance. More on that later. Anyway, so I started writing about other stuff that happened in my life. I guess, when I first started, I was sort of an asshole blogger in that I talked about weird/stupid people that I've known throughout my life. I once had this extremely long post about exes which I might write again if I get so bored. That one wasn't that mean, in fact, it just made me look dumb for having dated the kind of girls that I've dated.

But one ex had a special 3-part post written about her. It started off mean, but when it all winded down, I think I wrote it in a way that made you feel sorry for her and made you understand all of her crazy. And I ended up feeling bad about myself for having dated her for about two years, but that's okay. I learned an important lesson and that was to not just date someone because you feel bad for them.

The reason I'm bringing this up is because I'm going to do something very assholey. I'm going to repost a message she sent me on myspace when we first started dating. Why? Because I'm in an asshole mood, AND I personally find it funny but very sad for more reasons than her terrible grammar.

Before I post, I should fill in the new readers who probably haven't read my older posts on my old blog.

What drove her to write me this message was because at this point, we had been dating for about two weeks. During that time, I learned a few things about her, and about how crappy other dudes she'd dated had treated her like shit. I figured that I should do something nice for the girl, so I made her a mix CD (remember those?) and wrote her a letter. I forget what the letter said, but it was probably something along the lines of, "You deserve to have...blah blah blah."

In turn, she wrote me this gem back, via Myspace.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: her
Date: Feb 10, 2006 11:58 PM

hey did you get this lik huge email i wrote you?

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: me
Date: Feb 11, 2006 1:30 AM

No....what did it say?

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: her
Date: Feb 11, 2006 9:20 AM

r u serious! gay.. okay well.. i didnt kno that u wrote me a letter right so when i got home i opened the cd case and i saw it.. so i started readin it.. and i started crying.. lol that was the sweetest letter i hav ever gotten lik seriously no one has ever said anything to me even close to that! lik wow and how you went about the whole thing.. lik the rose and the cd with love songs on it that u said reminded you of me.. lik that is seriously lik my dream gift that i wanted from a guy! wow i was so amazed.. lik i sat and thought about it for lik an hour.. and wow i love you so much!!!! you are sucha sweet person serioulsy!!! and ahh i really dont want you to leave me.! but yeah wow i just want you to kno how much i care about you and how much i love you and how much that letter and everything you do fo me means to me!!!!! ive never had someone be as nice as you are and i thank you for that!!! i love you more than you kno!! theres sonethings about me that you dont kno but if you did u would c how much we hav in common.. lik with the passed and everything.. but yeah i love you forever and ever!!!!!!

Man, I'm such an asshole...I'm not even going to try to redeem myself for posting that not once, but TWICE (previously posted on my old blog)!

So what does that have to do with anything?

I don't know. I'm kind of feeling like an asshole.

Actually, there was a point to that, but I just got bombarded with crap to do. Eventually, it was going to tie back to how Merkin and I are back together (in my head, it was really deep and artistic), but I guess that's going to be a post for another day! Work is stupid!

Saturday, January 15, 2011

I Suck At This Game

I miss the days when I was able to dick around at work. It used to be absolutely amazing to me just how fast time flew when I was able to dick around. You want to know why I can't dick around at work? Because I was arrested a couple months ago after opening up a can of whoop-ass on some turd at a bar, and I was almost fired, but they were like, "No! If we fire him, then we're totally low on the Asian quota for the year! We must keep him, but let's always be on his case about shit, and maybe he'll quit!*" Guess what, Microsoft? I'm not going to quit because I like the money you pay me, and looking for other jobs is tough.

*There is a surprisingly low number of Asian people in my department, which is weird, because I'm a software designer.

However, back in those days, I literally spent about two to three hours reading other peoples' blogs, and commenting on their posts like a good blogger should. So yeah, I feel bad that I haven't been doing that, and my excuse is that my bosses are always on my case about one thing or another. Well, the bottom line is, I'm REALLY sorry that I haven't been reading up on your blog (if you have one). I swear to you that I will one of these days.


I'm stuck in a pickle, you guys, and I don't really have anyone in real life to talk about this because most of my friends are either gay or Merkin's friends, so they always tend to side with Merkin. I could call up some of my old friends, but the last time I talked to them, they just told me to start doing drugs again, or they asked me if they can borrow some money.

The pickle that I'm stuck in is that I've started watching Jersey Shore.

Fine, that's not the pickle I'm stuck in, but yeah, I watch Jersey Shore now. I'm surprised I haven't watched it earlier because that is quite possibly the funniest show I've ever seen. But I digress.

I met a girl. I have yet to give this girl a cool nickname, so for now, let's call her Erika because that's what her name is. I actually met her a long time ago because she used to be an intern. She started working full time for us around October, and we're working together on a project for the stupid Windows 7 phone that I'm sure everyone hates.

I'm a procrastinator. I feel that most of my best work is done at the last minute. Because of this, Erika and I would talk about things other than our work. It started with her saying that she saw The Social Network and saying that she really liked it, and I replied with, "Is that the movie with the kid from Zombie Land? The poor man's Michael Cera?" And somehow that got us talking about movies and she let me borrow some of her movies and I let her borrow some of mine, and know how those things go.

Anyway, so Erika and I have gone out a few times. Even though I wanted to, I haven't done anything with her because there's this voice in my head that's like, "MERKIN! REMEMBER HER?!" Like last night, Erika invited me to her house, right? And we ate food, and we were supposed to watch a movie, but I ended up teaching her how to play the guitar. It was a good ol' time. We talked, we laughed, and I made her cry because I told her that she sucks at guitar. The last part's not true...except that she really does suck at guitar and she wasted a good amount of money on a shitty one, but again, I digress. The night ended with us making out a bit before I remembered about Merkin, and I felt super guilty, and I was like, "Thanks for the food. It was good!"

I got home, I told Merkin about what happened, and even though I could tell that she wasn't happy about it, she didn't say anything. Since I felt like a turd, I slept on the couch. Now my neck hurts, and I'm confused because I want to get back together with Merkin but Erika's also really cool and pretty hot. Both women are out of my league and I honestly think that there must be something wrong with them if they think spending time with me is fun.

Anyway, I've got some stuff I gotta figure out.

I wish LOST was still on.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Excuse Me While I Ponder

Awhile ago, I went to see Black Swan, which was a pretty awesome movie. It reminded me a lot about the days when I was a ballet dancer. It was a very competitive time for me, but not only that, it was super hard as well. Okay, I was never a dancer. I'm not even one of those goddamn B-Boyz, either, which is another thing to add on my: "Worst Asian Ever" list. Anyway, so Natalie Portman is pretty hot, right? You'd think that I'd get all turned on by the girl on girl sex scenes and the scene where she masturbates but stops when she sees her mom sleeping in her room (creepy), but honestly, I just found myself squirming and clenching my butt cheeks like crazy.

I don't know what that has to do with anything, but I just felt that I had to share.

Merkin and I watched that movie Easy-A last night. It's funny, because back when I was a youngin', I used to think Amanda Bynes was the hottest chick ever. But now...not so much. I could get into detail about why I don't think she's hot anymore, but I'm going to be a gentleman about it and just say that she resembles a balloon tied to a string. Maybe she has allergy problems or something that causes her cheeks to swell to the size of mini watermelons? I don't know, and it's not my place to judge.

But speaking of women, and Easy-A, I'm quite attracted to that Emma Stone chick. It's weird, because I'm 90% sure that if she wasn't in all of these awesomely hilarious movies like Superbad, and Zombie Land, and I saw her walking down the street, I wouldn't even do a double take. It makes me wonder if I was famous, would people find me hot? It's something to ponder about, don't you think? I mean, I have a bunch of screenplay ideas, and maybe I can be like Sly Stallone when he wrote Rocky, and only sell those screenplays as long as I could be the lead actor. But then, has any woman every found Sly Stallone attractive? There's something else to ponder.

Well, I hope you kids had a fun, safe, holidays! Seriously, I have nothing to write about. I feel bad because there are people actually following me now.