Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Asshole Face Again

g_beck asked me on my last post why I call Merkin a "minge-wig" (I love that so much that I'm thinking of calling Merkin Minge-Wig from now on. Thanks for that!). Way back in the day, 2004 to be precise, I met Merkin through mutual friends. Actually, at the time, I lived in Portland and she lived in Federal Way, Washington, and her cousin lives in Portland and she just happened to be friends with a girl I was dating at the time. To make a long story short, Merkin thought I was funny, we found each other on Myspace (lame), we talked through there, moved onto phone calls, and yeah.

Back in the day, Merkin and I were mean to each other in the friendly way. We used to call each other cunt, bitch, fag, asshole, and other obscene words that I rarely use anymore. It was all in good fun. Then, I Google searched the word merkin, and I read about what it was, and I laughed and I laughed and I laughed. I shared it with Merkin, whose real name is Esther, and we just thought it was the funniest thing in the world. So every time we talked, I called her Merkin.

On a related note, one of the things I love about Merkin is that we could just mess around like that. Can you imagine if I called any other girl a cunt? Oh, what's that on the ground? Hold on, let me get my microscope. Oh! That's just T-bag's, teabags! Boom! Small Asian junk roasted!

If you care, you might be curious as to why Merkin and I, all of a sudden, got back together. My last post, while being an attempt to be funny, was also going to explain about how I compare current girlfriends to exes. Shut up! It's not shallow, because everyone else does it too. Anyway, that particular ex was my last ex before Merkin and I started dating, and yeah...there really wasn't much to compare. But the post before that, I wrote about how I was sort of starting a thing with another girl named Erika.

While Erika is an awesome, smart girl, I realized, not too long after we made out, that she didn't hold a candle to Merkin. It wasn't cool, because I seriously felt really bad. It always astonishes me whenever a girl has "romantic" feelings for me. I'm fat, not the best looking fellow, and I was playing the guitar the other day, and I realize that whenever I play guitar, my mouth hangs open and I look like a stroke victim. I'm not saying that so you guys can be like, "Oh, you're not that bad! You seem like a nice guy, blah blah blah." It's the truth. I'm a guy that gained like 70 pounds in 6 months or something like that. I've lost 40, though! YAY!

Side bar: I have lost some weight around my midsection, but how the hell do I lose my face fat? I look like my chin connects directly to my neck, and I miss having a chin. Are there face exercises so that I could get rid of my fat cheeks and fat chin fat? Please let me know if there are any. If you do, I'll give you a lap dance.

Anyway, so after I hung out with Erika a couple of weeks ago, I got home, I felt super dirty/guilty, I got a look of disappointment from Merkin which made me feel even more crappy, and I sat in my Bat-Cave and watched Jay Cutler being a little bitch on the sidelines. Then I thought to myself, "Look at that little bitch...letting his team down and shit. What a little bitch!" I went downstairs, and I saw Merkin running on the treadmill. She threw her water bottle at me, and ran back up the stairs to our room where she cried. I gave her a five minute timeout, so that she could have some time to think about stuff. After the timeout, I went in the room, and I was like, "Merkin, I just saw Jay Cutler being a little bitch and letting his team down. The thing is, baby, we're a team. And I let YOU down! But never again! I love you!"

Okay, that didn't happen.

What really happened was a lot more simple than that. I was sitting in my Bat-Cave, aka, my home office that I call the Bat-Cave so that I could feel good about myself, and I thought about stuff like how Merkin and I knew each other for almost seven years. I mean, I don't even really talk to anyone else that I've known that long. You know how it goes, people change, get into different stuff, and eventually drift apart. But Merkin and I never drifted apart even though we both changed a lot. And then, I let some asshole, that she just tried to be nice to, get in the way, and just like Jay Cutler, I turned into a little bitch (except I kicked that turd's ass!). Sprained ACL, my ass. If your team has a chance to play in the Super Bowl, then you stay in the game no matter what.

Another aside, I was rooting for the Packers. They're taking the Lombardi trophy home this year. CLAY MATHEWS IS A BEAST!

But what it all came down to was that I didn't want one little lie about how she stopped talking to some guy that I told her I didn't like all that much to completely fuck seven years of a damn good friendship, and three years of an awesome relationship, up. Yeah, I maybe I could have had something good with Erika, but I think I know myself pretty well, and I knew that I was going to be constantly comparing her to Merkin especially when I know that I still love the little Minge-Wig hard.

So Merkin and I talked, we both felt shitty about everything that happened, apologized, and we both agreed to give it another go. Honestly, I think we both made the right choice, because we're both having fun again, we're both laughing a lot more than we used to, and yeah. I'm happy. I believe that she's pretty happy. And if we didn't get back together, then we couldn't recreate this:

Seriously, how do you lose face fat?!

That was a recreation of this shot from almost 2 years ago:

Again, how do you lose face fat?!