Wednesday, December 29, 2010


I'm not much of a fan of the holidays. Seriously, you get fat, dehydrated from the turkey or ham, and you have to buy people presents. Buying presents is a son of a bitch. Every time, I just wish that I could get people gift cards so they can get whatever the hell they want, but apparently, that's a no-no. Why? I really don't know. I would prefer getting gift cards instead of returning the crap that I don't want for store credit. How many neckties does a guy really need? I got four neckties this year. They're all black, and it makes me feel like someone's going to die.

I also got like three copies of Inception, and I was like, "Oooh, maybe I could have a cool blog contest and the three winners will get a copy of that movie!" Then I forgot, and I gave the Blu-Rays away, so my bad.

I really don't have much to say at the moment, because I'm not in the best of moods lately. Must be the man-rag, eh? Anyway, I hope you guys had a good holiday!

Thursday, December 2, 2010

2010 and Bullying

2010 isn't done for another month, but I figured that I should write something because I have an incredible amount of free time at the moment. So I've been trying, very halfheartedly, to promote this new blog of mine on Twitter. If I was trying with all of my heart, I'd probably tweet the new blog every minute or so, but I think that would get pretty annoying. I'm sure that I got all of my readers from Allie over at Hyperbole and a Half. Honestly, I'd be pretty happy if she didn't link me this time, because people I know in real life have found the old Memoirs of a Korean blog, and for the posts that weren't about Merkin, they'd be like, "Dude, are you writing about me?" Most of the time, the answer is yeah. I don't know too many people.

But back to 2010. Oh, what an awkward, crappy year it was. I did get a new car, though. Yes, I have gotten rid of my sorority girl, maroon, Jetta, and I know drive a Nissan Maxima. It's black, so it's pretty manly. And it's fast, so that must mean I have a small peter. But that is neither here nor there, although, since I'm Asian, that pretty much tells you everything you need to know about my peter.

2010 started off with me attempting a back flip and breaking my toes. At that moment, I realized that I am a fat man that used to be skinny and tried to live in the golden years of when I had abs. After the back flip, toe breaking incident, I got my wisdom teeth removed. That hurt, and I cried. Then LOST started up again, and I cried some more. When LOST was over, I cried again. So it's safe to say that I cried a lot in 2010, but hey, I'm a softy. Then my appendix died, Merkin got in a car accident, I made a vlog that's probably still out there somewhere, Merkin and I broke up....

There was a brief period of time when Little Merkin lived with us. That was fun...I remember picking her up from her friends' houses, and learned the ways of suburban homies.

So that was my 2010 in a nutshell. It wasn't the happiest of times.

A big issue in 2010 was the bullying. Back in 2009, it was cool to be gay. But in 2010, Sarah Palin got her own show, and people were just so frustrated by it that they took their anger out on the gays. Well, that's what it seemed like to me. Anyway, I, for one, have no problem with gay people. One of my best friends is gay, and he's probably the sweetest kid I know. Does that mean he has a crush on me? Probably not. Actually, I asked him once if he ever wanted to do me.

Me: "'re gay...."

Mitch: "Yep..."

Me: "Hypothetically speaking, if I was gay, would you ever want to...stick it in my butt?"

Mitch: "No. Honestly, I don't know how or why Esther would ever sleep with you."

Me: "Are you saying I'm ugly?"

Mitch: *takes a sip of his drink, long pause* "........................let's just say that if you were gay, you might have a hard time finding a boyfriend."

Me: "....So you're saying I'm ugly?"

Mitch: "I never said that."

Me: "Even if you were really, really drunk, you wouldn't sleep with me?"

Mitch: "If you were gay, I wouldn't even drink with you."

Pfft, what does Mitch know? Last year, I went to a gay bar and I got hit on by THREE guys, so in HIS face.

But anyway, making fun of people is wrong. I'm guilty of it, but I know it's wrong. It's something I can't help. It's not like I go up to a random fat person and be like, "HA! You're in a wheelchair because you're fat!" I don't make fun of people about the way the look, because like my gay friend, Mitch, said, I'm not much of a looker myself. I think I make fun of people in a different way.

Take high school, for example. Everyone talks about how they were teased and shit in high school, and I guess I came out easy, because apart from a few SARS jokes in my senior year, I wasn't made fun of. Anyway, I gave a couple of kids a hard time. There's no denying that. But I think I was going pretty easy on them, based on the fact that I didn't make them hate themselves to the point where they contemplated suicide, I made them hate me.

There was this kid in my History class one year. He was a goth kid, back when being goth was cool. So obviously, he hated the world for no reason. One day, we were talking about religion in class, and the goth kid went off on Jesus. It wasn't, "I don't believe in Jesus!" He was like, "Jesus sucks, he's a rapist, and he deserved to die." It's safe to assume that he hated Jesus, and while I'm not the most religious person in the world, I decided to have a little fun with goth kid. The next day, my friend and I brought a bible to school, and started reading verses in class. You see, we sat next to the kid in a cluster. Don't you miss desk clusters? I do. I stare at a grey wall everyday. And it was just fun seeing the kid get all pissed. I mean, he really hated Jesus, you know?

So, in my opinion, that is how you should give a person a hard time. By making them hate YOU instead of themselves. I mean, if you're going to make fun of somebody, be clever about it. Don't go around calling a kid fag over and over or saying stuff like, "Don't touch him! He has AIDS!" The only thing funny about AIDS is the origin story about the dude that supposedly had sex with a monkey, and who even knows if that's true? I mean, if you REALLY want to give a gay kid a hard time, then just keep asking him for fashion advice.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

New Blog

Oh, old blog. How I miss thee. You were so simple...just white...there used to be a picture of my sexy body with my man, Jake Gyllenhaal. Why did you have to go?

I'll tell you why.

My boss found my old blog, Memoirs of a Korean, and while he thought it was funny, I just didn't want the guy reading my shit. There are certain things that a boss shouldn't know, you know? Well, that's what I get for leaving my blog open at work. Oopsies.

So I'm starting over. I got a total of 3 (!) votes on Twitter, and of the 3 (!), T-Bag This won. I personally like it better than Memoirs of a Korean, especially in these dark and troubling times when good ol' Kim Jung is going batshit claygee. So what can you expect from this blog? I honestly don't know. Probably the same stuff: random thoughts, random bitching, and more random stuff.

So I only have one story to tell you folks today. Remember when I told you guys about the foreign exchange student that Merkin's parents were hosting, and they asked if Merkin and I could hang out with her, and all that other stuff? Well, they did. If you don't remember, that's your problem.

The other day, I bought Merkin a cheap ring. Seriously, it was like 6 bucks. She wanted it, but she didn't have her wallet with her, so I just bought it for her. The FES was there as well. So after I got the ring for her, we all started walking around the U-District, and this fellow comes up to me and asks me if I could spare some cash. I couldn't because I hate carrying cash around, because I'm one of those people that never puts their money in their wallet after they buy something and get change. So I put the money in random pockets, and I forget about the money. Eventually, laundry day comes, and sometimes it feels like I won the jackpot or something, but most of the time, I forget to check my pockets and I end up washing the money. Anyway, so I told this fellow, "Sorry, big fella, I don't have any money."

But this guy kept on persisting. He was a determined little bugger. Eventually, after about a minute, the FES speaks up, and she was pointing at Merkin and she was like, "He just buy her ling! He habba no money!"

I guess that story's more funny if you were actually there. But...I am out of time. I shall be back soon and tell you all about the time that my sister and her fat friend came to visit, and I found an Oreo under her fat friend's air mattress. Actually, I just told you that story...shit!