Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Asshole Face Again

g_beck asked me on my last post why I call Merkin a "minge-wig" (I love that so much that I'm thinking of calling Merkin Minge-Wig from now on. Thanks for that!). Way back in the day, 2004 to be precise, I met Merkin through mutual friends. Actually, at the time, I lived in Portland and she lived in Federal Way, Washington, and her cousin lives in Portland and she just happened to be friends with a girl I was dating at the time. To make a long story short, Merkin thought I was funny, we found each other on Myspace (lame), we talked through there, moved onto phone calls, and yeah.

Back in the day, Merkin and I were mean to each other in the friendly way. We used to call each other cunt, bitch, fag, asshole, and other obscene words that I rarely use anymore. It was all in good fun. Then, I Google searched the word merkin, and I read about what it was, and I laughed and I laughed and I laughed. I shared it with Merkin, whose real name is Esther, and we just thought it was the funniest thing in the world. So every time we talked, I called her Merkin.

On a related note, one of the things I love about Merkin is that we could just mess around like that. Can you imagine if I called any other girl a cunt? Oh, what's that on the ground? Hold on, let me get my microscope. Oh! That's just T-bag's, teabags! Boom! Small Asian junk roasted!

If you care, you might be curious as to why Merkin and I, all of a sudden, got back together. My last post, while being an attempt to be funny, was also going to explain about how I compare current girlfriends to exes. Shut up! It's not shallow, because everyone else does it too. Anyway, that particular ex was my last ex before Merkin and I started dating, and yeah...there really wasn't much to compare. But the post before that, I wrote about how I was sort of starting a thing with another girl named Erika.

While Erika is an awesome, smart girl, I realized, not too long after we made out, that she didn't hold a candle to Merkin. It wasn't cool, because I seriously felt really bad. It always astonishes me whenever a girl has "romantic" feelings for me. I'm fat, not the best looking fellow, and I was playing the guitar the other day, and I realize that whenever I play guitar, my mouth hangs open and I look like a stroke victim. I'm not saying that so you guys can be like, "Oh, you're not that bad! You seem like a nice guy, blah blah blah." It's the truth. I'm a guy that gained like 70 pounds in 6 months or something like that. I've lost 40, though! YAY!

Side bar: I have lost some weight around my midsection, but how the hell do I lose my face fat? I look like my chin connects directly to my neck, and I miss having a chin. Are there face exercises so that I could get rid of my fat cheeks and fat chin fat? Please let me know if there are any. If you do, I'll give you a lap dance.

Anyway, so after I hung out with Erika a couple of weeks ago, I got home, I felt super dirty/guilty, I got a look of disappointment from Merkin which made me feel even more crappy, and I sat in my Bat-Cave and watched Jay Cutler being a little bitch on the sidelines. Then I thought to myself, "Look at that little bitch...letting his team down and shit. What a little bitch!" I went downstairs, and I saw Merkin running on the treadmill. She threw her water bottle at me, and ran back up the stairs to our room where she cried. I gave her a five minute timeout, so that she could have some time to think about stuff. After the timeout, I went in the room, and I was like, "Merkin, I just saw Jay Cutler being a little bitch and letting his team down. The thing is, baby, we're a team. And I let YOU down! But never again! I love you!"

Okay, that didn't happen.

What really happened was a lot more simple than that. I was sitting in my Bat-Cave, aka, my home office that I call the Bat-Cave so that I could feel good about myself, and I thought about stuff like how Merkin and I knew each other for almost seven years. I mean, I don't even really talk to anyone else that I've known that long. You know how it goes, people change, get into different stuff, and eventually drift apart. But Merkin and I never drifted apart even though we both changed a lot. And then, I let some asshole, that she just tried to be nice to, get in the way, and just like Jay Cutler, I turned into a little bitch (except I kicked that turd's ass!). Sprained ACL, my ass. If your team has a chance to play in the Super Bowl, then you stay in the game no matter what.

Another aside, I was rooting for the Packers. They're taking the Lombardi trophy home this year. CLAY MATHEWS IS A BEAST!

But what it all came down to was that I didn't want one little lie about how she stopped talking to some guy that I told her I didn't like all that much to completely fuck seven years of a damn good friendship, and three years of an awesome relationship, up. Yeah, I maybe I could have had something good with Erika, but I think I know myself pretty well, and I knew that I was going to be constantly comparing her to Merkin especially when I know that I still love the little Minge-Wig hard.

So Merkin and I talked, we both felt shitty about everything that happened, apologized, and we both agreed to give it another go. Honestly, I think we both made the right choice, because we're both having fun again, we're both laughing a lot more than we used to, and yeah. I'm happy. I believe that she's pretty happy. And if we didn't get back together, then we couldn't recreate this:

Seriously, how do you lose face fat?!

That was a recreation of this shot from almost 2 years ago:

Again, how do you lose face fat?!


  1. Until you lose the weight, just suck in your cheeks and don't let anyone take a picture of you unless you are looking up at them. Boom, double chin gone.

    But I have no advice on how to lose the face fat. I'm still working on how to lose the everywhere-else fat.

  2. I really don't have a clue on how to get rid of face fat. So sorry. With that said, I'll take my leave.

    Thanks for telling us about how you got back together!!!

  3. I'm really happy for you guys.

    Also, Miss Yvonne's right. The higher you can get the camera, the better. Redirect the fat to the back of your skull by always looking up, is what I'm saying.

  4. :D YAY for you guys!!
    You lose a crap ton of body fat, then the face follows. I'm actually having the reverse goal of trying to gain a little face fat sans body fat and it's actually pretty hard too.

  5. oh but fatface is so cute and happy making! it reminds me of this classic gem that brought so much happiness to my life:

  6. The new edition is just as hot as the old one.

    Fat face and all.

  7. Sure you made the right choice. We don't always get it right the first time.

    My Fiancee and I were friends for years before we started dating. Then we had a big blow out and I didn't talk to him for about 6 months. The thing I missed the most was his friendship.
    We started chatting via MSN one day...then went out for dinner at a pub and that eve I pretty much threw him against the wall and took advantage of him. We've been rocking each others brains out for the last 3 years.

  8. I don't have fat face so much.
    well I do.
    But more obviously I have chins.
    I feel like when I am looking down someone could grab one and pierce it.
    It has become a fear.
    Also I hate when people use capslock instead of shift to capitalize the first letter in a sentence.
    but then again, I'm a person that turns the shower on before I get in.
    I wish Merkin blogged about how cool her nails are painted all the time.

  9. not to sound like a creep who checks your blog every month or so, but...WHERE ARE YOU?

    I've missed your hilarity.